My State of Mind

Hey there,

I'm gonna talk about FEELINGS for a bit here. Please forgive me. 

In the past several months, most of my blog posts have been links to the Murders & Acquisitions Kickstarter Updates peppered with a few tidbits about my work on Capers, the next RPG from NerdBurger Games. That's not surprising, I suppose, given where M&A and Capers stand.

As M&A nears completion and Capers goes into its first round of playtesting, I find myself in a head-space I haven't been mired in for a while. I'm worried. The chiding inner voice of self-doubt has lurched to the surface again. "Hi, Craig," that little bitch says!

This irritating inner vocalization popped up quite a bit as I was preparing for the M&A Kickstarter. Am I doing this right? Will people be interested in the little RPG that I'd been working on for nearly three years? Will they plunk down their dollars for it? During the run of the Kickstarter back in May and early June, it continued. Will the game fund? Will we hit all the stretch goals so I can bring EVERYTHING I've created for M&A into the book? 

Once the Kickstarter wrapped with the game funded and all stretch goals hit, this little voice of self-doubt went into hibernation. I focused on getting artwork squared away, guiding the layout of the book, and a metric crap-ton of other stuff I had to deal with. It was a blessed relief to simply be bringing my pet project to fruition. And I fiddled with Capers in isolation and got ready for sending out playtest documents. 

But that little bitch is back. M&A is almost in the hands of the backers (and up on for others to purchase soon) and Capers playtest materials have been sent out. I'm once again worried. Will people like M&A? Will they play it? Will they tell their friends and enemies that they can go purchase it? Will the Capers playtesters enjoy this first round of playtesting? Does the new game hold up to my expectations? 

As Christmas approaches, I'm doing my best to stay positive. But the inner voice of self-doubt is there...always watching...always waiting. Always ready to rear its ugly head and laugh at me. 

Over the course of the next few weeks, I'll do everything I can to beat that little bitch back down. With any luck, responses from M&A backers getting their rewards and feedback from Capers playtesters will help me stay focused and positive. 

The life of a part-time freelance RPG designer is fun. The time spent creating makes me happy. It's something I've been doing for two and a half decades, mostly for no payment or accolades. 

I'm going to hold to the following truths. Murders & Acquisitions is about to become a reality. The little game I started designing in August of 2013 is going to be in the hands of many dozens of gamers very soon.

And that's pretty fucking cool. 

Take that, you little bitch.